Crawling shadows...

I never knew how past would again and again torment me...the little child in me stays awake. Wanting someone to hold my hand and say," it's ok...am with you." 

The shadows howl at me, singing crazy songs of childhood lullabies; keeping me awake. I fight with my mind to sleep. Lights blind me, disclosing the faces of known ones...my own ones playing with me... destroying my joy of childhood.

Am alone in this body...no one to hear but me the screams of my helplessness...am alone to survive the pain and agony which I am unable to comprehend and produce the same in written words or spoken. But trust me...am dying each day with the guilt of something, that I haven't done but being the victim of which has been more tormenting...

It's like seeing myself each night...fighting to survive the hallucination... fighting to survive the death of my childhood... 

Am fighting to slow down growing...to be an adult...to understand the vanished phase between my childhood and youth. 

Am not what they made me...I am me. Not a victim of the doings of their's. Am not the left over...

Am not eatable to be stale with time.

Am not a survivor of the abuse ...but half victorious. 

My only victory is that I didn't give up on living.

But partly am dead...as I should have been completely ... after the blackout of my life's horrific day.

The shallow shadow of me on the ground crawls like a helpless earthworm. What else can a woman feel about herself?

Image : www.scarymommy.com

We were never strangers...

All the time, when we were near...

We were never strangers.We were some old souls, soaked in our own warmth... in our own minds...on crossroads. Waving at each other... sharing smiles. 

We were never strangers, when we could feel how our hearts fluttered, in the crowd of two. We knew how much deep the darkness we have held inside...how much our lights have peeped inside, the cracks that were only scars and not fresh wounds...

We were  never strangers to the fact, that we were not even friends but we were also not enemies.

We were strangers to ourselves...playing along the line... of ignoring our reflections in each other... we were two lonely souls, connected by a single smile. We were two wounded hearts, connected by a single dream. We were two stupid people, holding guns over each other... with only a bullet left in it.

We were never strangers...for we were the two lines of the single song...the song that was never audible to others, as they were deaf and we...we were two blind people... searching each other in the midst of a wrecked drowning ship...

We were never strangers...how could we... for we were never meant to be... strangers after all.

Image :www.123RF.com

All you need to have.

Sometimes, you fall in leaves and sometimes, you wait in morning dews...

Love is planted in each heart, all have a heart but love happens to a Few...

Sometimes, you laugh in each flower and sometimes, you cry in rains...

Love fulfils its purpose but all go through a similar pain...

Sometimes, you glow in the light and sometimes, you drown in the darkness...

Love ignites a storm and also holds a calmness.

Sometimes, you know all answers and sometimes, you fear to question.

Love makes all things clear but all you have is a big confusion...

Sometimes, Love is all you need...

And sometimes, it is the only thing you have.

The Last Dance...

As the music in the background plays... we both have the last dance. 

My eyes have already started to show... but your blank face hides all you want to, or may be it's my assumption.

My fingers tremble... brushing around your shoulder... I wanna hold you forever... 

My lips stop midway... saying don't go as I turn to look elsewhere...my tears slip down to my cheek, glistening in the lights...

The last dance with you shall end soon...

I want this moment to freeze... 

May this moment never end...as I close my eyes keeping my head on your chest, my sobs escape and the pinch in my heart kills me to say," I must go.... I must."

Image : bingee.com

It's time...

May be it's time to leave...

The dreams that I had been holding...

In my eyes for long.

They were of you, but I dont see them coming true in any time.

Some dreams should be left to shimmer on cheeks...they never become reality, but the reason of our sadness...

You were someone, whom I see and become happy, but I realise that slowly, you are eating away my smiles bit by bit....

It's hard to take all this anymore.... either stay or just go.... 

Whom am I talking to... you dont even know, how it feels to be in love with a memory, that has been carved out like a inscription...only to be fade... mildly each time, I sleep with tears in my eyes. 

Image: tiin.vn

I have lived...

I have lived in your little 'nothings' , where you keep hiding little 'somethings... naughty sometimes scary.



I have lived inside your memories of the past and in your hopes of future.



I have lived in your dreams in closed eyes and thoughts in your awakened state.



I have lived in you... as you  and also me.

I have lived... only to live with you.



I have lived only to die... for you



I have lived in your words... following the trenches of the silences.



I have lived in your breaths... knocking on your heartbeats.



I have lived in your fears that have no tears and also in fears that flew down the aisle of the cheeks.



I have lived in the fun you ignore of life... and also in the risks you take unthinking.



I have lived in the lanes... in streets of darkness where you left your heart unknowingly.



I have lived in those corners of the sanctuary where you peeped for some solitude.



I have lived in your loneliness... in the crowds around you without telling you.



I have lived... many times before you did... living the day over again.



I have lived ... I had lived... I shall live... for time flows through me... and in me.



A seemless... and boundless river I am... to live for eternity.





Image :yelp.com

किताब में दिल ...

किताबों में गुलाब कई बार मिलने की बातें होती हैं.... पर क्या कभी किसी का दिल भी किताब में मिला है???



मुझे मिला है... कभी धड़कन की आवाज़ आयी, तो कभी साँसों की खुशबू... प्यार की गिरफ्त होती ही ऐसी है... ऐसी लिपटती है, कि जान बन जाती है... 



क्या कभी जान भी रूठती है???



सांसें बेज़ार हो जाएँ, तो धड़कनें उन गिरवी सोने के बुंदों (झुमकों) की तरह हो जाती हैं... जिन्हें ना पहन सकते हैं और न ही, पैसे चुकाने तक नींद आती है।



मेरा भी कुछ,ऐसा ही हाल रहा... जब तक दिल को तसल्ली नहीं हुई, कि जो दिल में आ चुका, वो ज़िन्दगी भर का हमसफ़र - हमराही ही होगा, मैं भी बेचैन और डरी हुई सी रही।



उस किताब का ज़िक्र कर रही हूँ... जो मेरी ज़िन्दगी की, तस्वीर सी बन चुकी है... लाइब्रेरी में मिलते थे छुप के... इक किताब में सवाल पूछते थे... और जवाब जिसका दूसरी किताब में होता था...



एक पर्ची पे सवाल का पेज नंबर और किताब का नाम लिख के, एक दूसरे को दे देते थे क्लास के बाद... और जवाब की पर्ची ,अगले दिन... किसी और किताब में।  

आखिर ये सिलसिला तब टूटा, जब लाइब्रेरियन के हाथ इक किताब लगी, जिसमें गलती से सवाल की पर्ची रह गयी थी।  और हम दोनों अपने मोहब्बत के सवाल-जवाब के खेल में, एक रेफ़री से मिलने पहुंच गए।



माँ थी भी बड़ी स्ट्रिक्ट... ऊपर से लाइब्रेरियन भी थी!



मेरी ज़िन्दगी के कार्ड पे उसके नाम की एंट्री हो गयी और हम एक बंधन में गए...



किताब जिसने हमे फंसाया था, आज हमारी शादी के कार्ड को बाहों में भरी रहती है....



अब कहो.... किताब में दिल मिला कि नहीं ???

इमेज:pixabay.com